(Post 3)

Listening Tools For Parents and Their Children

 

INTRODUCTION: In order for parents and their children to be able to better communicate with one another through the generational and language gaps, the first order of things is that all parties involved know how to listen to one another. A lot of the times, the message that the Speaker is trying to state becomes distorted by the Listener, as the Listener is usually listening through the history of their relationship with the Speaker. Assumptions are being made even before the Speaker completes what they are stating. Similarly, the Speaker has their own set of ideas and definitions and intentions of what they are trying to communicate, and assumes that the Listener understands the Speaker’s intentions and definition of words spoken.

 

Following are DEFINITIONS and EXAMPLES of some Listening Tools that parents and their children can learn to use:

 
Affirmation = Acknowledging a person’s accomplishments and giving of encouragement.

Examples:    “Good for you, you’ve got your mind set!”

                   “I am so proud of you!”

“Wow! You completed that task so thoroughly/diligently/ thoughtfully”*

* Please keep in mind that the more SPECIFIC you are in pointing out what the person has accomplished, the more the person would be able to “take in” your affirmation, which helps to build their self-esteem.

 

Checking in = Asking the person how they are doing at the moment. It helps the person to “stay in the moment” or become more aware of how s/he is coming across to you/others.

Examples:    “How are you doing right now?”

                     “Where are you (as in, emotionally or mentally) right now?”

                             “How are you feeling?”

 

Clarification = Checking one’s perception of what was said to better understand the speaker.

Examples: “Am I hearing you correctly, that you’re saying you’ve decided to go ahead with this?”

              “Are you saying that life sucks?”

                   “Are you saying that there’s no hope?”

          “Are you saying that you should not bother with it?
”Are you saying that it is not fair?”

 

Confrontation = Bringing the cognitive dissonance to the foreground with the speaker.

Examples:“ You’re saying that God is in charge of your life, but you would still like to take control of the situation at all cost?”

    “Is God really in charge or is He not? You’re saying both things right now…”

 

Deflection = “Redirecting” the focus back to the person so s/he can talk more about him/herself instead of focusing on your opinion.

 This is used when the speaker asks what do you think about what s/he is saying, you respond by saying:

“What do YOU think about that?”

              “How should I respond?”

                   “What response would be helpful to you right now?”

                   “How should I think?”

 
Encouragement = Giving of positive reinforcement for the person to keep up their good work; Cheering the person on. It’s similar to “Affirmation.”

Examples:    “That was a good job! It sure wasn’t easy, but you did it anyway!”

                   “You did that so well!”

         

Exploration/Probing = Asking of open-ended questions to get the person to speak more (they would further elaborate on what they mean).

Examples:    “Tell me more about it.”

                     “What do you think about that?”

                             “Could you elaborate more on it for me?”

                             “So, how do you feel about what’s happening to your life?”

 

*Joining = “Emotional” agreement of what is being said in the moment. It is done with matching emotion/affect, as if you were one with the speaker and you are feeling how the person is feeling. It’s like you’re finishing your close friend’s sentence.  You’re cheering the person on. You’re sharing the person’s “emotional space.”

 

* This is the most effective way of conveying that you are “with” the person emotionally and that you are totally on their side. Usually, this would enable the Speaker to sense your care the most. At the same time though, it is NOT to be used as a “technique,” thus it should NEVER be used UNLESS you REALLY FEEL how the Speaker is feeling. Otherwise, this will backfire on you, as it would come across to the Speaker as patronizing or condescending…

Examples:    “You’ve got your mind set!”

                   “You go!”

                   “I’m being such a mean parent right now!”

                   “There’s no hope.”

                   “Why bother?!”

                   “It’s not fair!”

                   Etc…

 

Listening Check = Saying back to the person what s/he has just said, using her/his words, without interpreting or reacting to the content. This is used to help the person feel heard, while you might not agree with their shared content.

Examples: “You’re saying that you have no friends because we, as your parents, won’t let you go and hang out with your friends at the mall.”

               “You’re saying that if we really understood you, we’d let you stop the piano lessons.”

Reflection = You say back to the person what you heard them saying, in your own words.

Examples:    “What I’m hearing you saying is that you resent having such strict parents”

                   “What I’m hearing you saying is that you feel controlled by us…”

 

Open-ended Questions/Exploration = Questions that cannot be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No” ~ The speaker has the free reign to say anything on his/ her mind. You’ll never know how the person will respond.

 

The questions in the “Exploration” examples are all open-ended.

 

Reframing = Rephrasing what the person has said with a new “spin.” Helping the person to look at it from a different perspective/angle.

Examples:

The child says: “I don’t think there is any use. Why do my best when no one will ever acknowledge it? You only see what I have not done, versus what I have accomplished…”

The parent says: “As your parent, we want you to do the very best. We are rooting for you to accomplish all of your goals, sometimes at the cost of not acknowledging your accomplishments.”