(Post 2)


Parenting Tips

Set Specific Standards/Expectations: It is usually not helpful to give general affirmation (Eg: “Just do your best,” or, “You are great!”), as the child doesn’t know how high s/he should aim that would actually be their “best.” Rather, it’s more prudent to tell your child Specific (measurable) goals you expect them to achieve. For example, the parent says to his daughter: “I know that you are really good in science and not so good in social studies. I expect you to work hard at both and get an ‘A’ in science, and at least a ‘B’ or ‘B+’ in social studies.”

“Being on the Same Side (vs Acting as Opponents): It behooves us as parents, to maintain a close relationship with our children, especially as they grow and become adults. With that in mind, it’d be good to Set Clear Expectations, Enforce the Expectations, while Build Self-Esteem of our children. It is therefore wise not to humiliate our children or condemn them.

“For Godly sorrow brings repentance, which leads to salvation and leaves no regret. But worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10).  “Godly sorrow” is conviction from the Holy Spirit, which is gentle and not condemning (“Now there is therefore, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” - Romans 8:1). Conviction causes us to stop our unhealthy/wrongful behavior and make a 180 degree change (“Brings repentance”), restore relationship with God (aka, parents, in this situation), “leading to salvation and leaves no regret”: not having to grapple with condemnation. But Satan is the father of lies and wants us to wallow in our guilt, which cause us to feel shame. The result of shame is a “pulling away” in the relationship.

It behooves us to do away with shame, and show grace instead. This would enable us to keep an affectionate relationship with our children. When a person feels totally accepted, the person then has the courage to examine him/herself and to change.

As parents, we can be gracious, merciful, loving while also holding on to righteousness and godliness to our children. This is especially important, as children grow up to experience/view God according to the type of parents they grew up under.

It is important that we “teach and train” our child up in the Lord, so they will not walk far away from God. We need to be clear with expectations, while balancing them with grace and mercy. So, let’s lay down the law (aka, giving clear expectations toward our children), while being on our children’s team, emotionally.

We need to be “on our children’s side,” versus being on the “opposing team” against them. Come alongside our children and they will aspire to do right in order to please us…

Lose the Battle to Win the War/Choose Your Battles: It is prudent to let go of things that bother you, especially when it is your preference, taste or style. Step back and look at the big picture: Will your child really go down a path of self-destruction if s/he doesn’t do exactly what you are telling him/her right now? If the answer is a “Most likely, no,” then let it go…remember to preserve the emotional relationship is more important to make your child into a clone of you or to “undo” the damage done to you by your parents.

For example: If your child is messy, have him/her contain her/his mess in their own room. Whatever is left in the “common/public area” can either be confiscated for a period of time or be picked up by you and piled in your child’s room…

Both the parents and children resent having to nag, or be nagged at. Set up clear consequences for when your child “chooses” to incur a natural consequence of his/her behavior.

Let Your Child Know that S/He Has Choices: It’d be good to instill in your child that s/he always has choices. Let your child know that he/she is always making choices, and s/he can “choose” what will happen next, by choosing which action s/he is taking in this moment.

Even when we “Don’t decide,” we are actually “deciding” on staying in the same course. When we say, “Later…” we are actually saying: “I’m going to keep on doing what I’m doing a little longer…”

Since we usually don’t want to do what we are told to do, and want to do what we are told not to do (Romans 7: 19), it’d be good to let your child know that whatever s/he is choosing to do has its natural consequences, vs getting locked in a power struggle with him/her.

Natural Consequence is the Best “Disciplinary Tool”: The Bible states: “Spare the rod and spoil the child” (Proverbs   ). Since actual physical punishment is not allowed by law in United States, giving Natural Consequence as discipline is usually very effective.

For example, your child is allowed to play a computer/video game AFTER s/he finishes home work (thoroughly) for the day. When your child wastes a lot of time and doesn’t finish her/his home work until late, say to your child: “I guess you’re choosing not to have any play time today. You can play after you finish your work. So it’s up to you as to when you can play…”*

*Parents (and their children?) would have decided ahead of time, up to how long of computer/video game playing is allowed on a weeknight vs a weekend day…

Let Your Child “Win”: Healthy children need to rebel in order to separate him/herself from you. So, let your child “win” at something that really bothers you (but will not harm the child when s/he wins). For example: A teenager paints her nails black and wears black make-up. The parent says, “I really don’t like you wearing black make-up. It gives off a message of intimidation to others and you can lose some friends this way.” However, the parent doesn’t force the child to take off the ugly make-up, and invites the child to do some sort of activity that both the parent and the child enjoy, in order to convey unconditional acceptance.

Kids have to rebel and win at something, so give them something to win at! I’ve worked with parents who forbade their child from dating while s/he is young, and the child shares that s/he is attracted to people of the same gender - the very thing s/he knows her/his parents are deadly against…

Avoid/Prevent Power Struggles by setting clear expectations and their natural consequences, so it isn’t a struggle between the parents and their children. Rather, it’s a choice the child is choosing, with its consequences…

Whenever you can, use “Joining” to convey you being on your child’s side, emotionally, while Continue to hold your child accountable: Acknowledge your child’s feelings as you continue to lay down the law and hold him/her to your expectations.

For example: “I am being such a kill-joy and a mean parent in not allowing you to go out and play until after you’ve finished your chores!...Go finish your chores…the sooner you finish them, the sooner you’ll be able to go out and play.” DO NOT EXPLAIN why you are going your child accountable right there and then. Join their feelings and hold them accountable, and wait for ANOTHER time to explain why you hold him/her accountable.

If you cannot empathize with your child’s feelings at the moment. DO NOT try Joining. Do Active Listening or Reflective Listening instead, so as not to come across as condescending or humiliating your child…

 

Resources:

1. Focus on the Family has a lot of resources for families: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting.aspx
2. Touch Life Mission has possible resources in Chinese to help with raising American Born Chinese children (this was recommended to me, I don’t personally know this resource): http://touchlifemission.com/
3. Boundaries with Teens: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/boundaries-with-teens-john-townsend/1102902623?ean=9780310270454
4. Chat Pack: A fun deck of cards you can use to spark conversations with your children: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/chat-pack-bret-nicholaus/1019635255?ean=9780975580165