Marriage and Family Resources

This Blog contains resources on topics of Dating, Marriage and Parenting from workshops I gave in conferences/churches. Please feel free to share them with whomever might benefit...

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Managing Expectations for Marriage (For Singles…and a refresher for the Married)

 Hoping to get married one day?  It’s easy to view marriage as a romantic fairytale, but we really need to know the truth and go into this union with realistic expectations.  This article shares common faulty expectations in marriage, which can lead to disappointment, frustration and even disillusionment.  At the same time, there are basic expectations that spouses need to agree on in order to protect the union.  This article provides wisdom along the way as you date and eventually pursue a fulfilling, grace-filled marriage! 

1. It takes grace to be single, and it takes a lot more grace to be married: Your spouse is a separate person with his/her own temperament, upbringing-influenced expectations, values and way of dealing with life.
2. Common Faulty Expectations: Your spouse will complete you; you are two halves becoming one whole; your spouse can read your mind; your spouse will attend to all of your needs, wants and desires; your spouse will naturally speak your love language; your spouse will naturally be your soul mate and best friend; you are supposed to share everything with your spouse; your spouse will put your first all the time; unconsciously you wish/expect your spouse will be to you what you wished your parent should have been toward you; when you marry your spouse, you are only marrying him/her, not his or her family.
3. Marriage is inter-dependence of two whole people.
4. Healthy/General expectations of being married:
   1. Swimming upstream.
   2. It will bring out the worst in you, as well as the best in you.
   3. Hard work will reap ripe fruit: we reap what we sow, however, your spouse is not to be your project (Don’t marry someone in order to “save” or change them).
   4. Your spouse will have the most influence in molding and shaping your life going forward, so choose wisely.
5. Be on the lookout for Repetition Compulsion (See “Modern Psychoanalytic Nibbles” Blog Post # 2:Modern Psychoanalytic Nibbles ).
6. Five Benchmarks of a Good Relationship:
   1. Ability to be vulnerable with one another.
   2. Ability to empathize with each other.
   3. Ability to resolve conflict.
   4. Love when it’s inconvenient.
   5. Commitment to the relationship.
7. Basic expectations to live by: Be faithful to your marital vow; Be accountable to one another (with where about, time, finances); Be committed to work on the marriage.
8. Set healthy boundaries to protect the marriage: No cross-gender one on one relationships; Don’t be a messenger of bad message between your spouse and your family of origin; Have together time as well as separate down time.
9. Keys to successful marriage ~ Everyone wants to be seen, heard, understood, accepted and loved:
   1. Have similar/close enough calling in life (i.e., life in urban setting vs in rural area).
   2. Let go of expectations.
   3. Work toward full acceptance: You married a pear instead of an orange!
   4. Give each other the room to grow and develop so you don’t stagnant one another, while not developing totally parallel/separate lives.
   5. Learn to love yourself so you can better love your spouse.
   6. The family/marital unit is more important than your personal “needs.”
   7. Extension of grace.
   8. Balance between expecting full acceptance and willingness to change for the better.
   9. Four tiers of priorities: God first, then your spouse, third priority is your children, and the last priority is your job/ministry and extended family and friends.
   10. Choose to be on the same team with your spouse.
   11. Willing to “lose the battle in order to win the war.”
   12. Apply lots of humor.

Applications:

1. Prayerfully make a list of what attributes you’d like in your future mate (i.e.: being godly, patient, having determination, being driven, etc…) and work on realizing the list yourself.
2. Identify your deal-breakers.
3. Keep your eyes open, one eye closed and both eyes closed: whatever is bothering you about your significant other will only become more glaringly bothersome as you get married.

Challenge:

Set Mission Statement/Core Values for your marriage: one that will bring God’s glory, edify the Body of Christ and be a blessing to others.