(Post 3)

Listening Tools For Parents and Their Children

 

INTRODUCTION: In order for parents and their children to be able to better communicate with one another through the generational and language gaps, the first order of things is that all parties involved know how to listen to one another. A lot of the times, the message that the Speaker is trying to state becomes distorted by the Listener, as the Listener is usually listening through the history of their relationship with the Speaker. Assumptions are being made even before the Speaker completes what they are stating. Similarly, the Speaker has their own set of ideas and definitions and intentions of what they are trying to communicate, and assumes that the Listener understands the Speaker’s intentions and definition of words spoken.

 

Following are DEFINITIONS and EXAMPLES of some Listening Tools that parents and their children can learn to use:

 
Affirmation = Acknowledging a person’s accomplishments and giving of encouragement.

Examples:    “Good for you, you’ve got your mind set!”

                   “I am so proud of you!”

“Wow! You completed that task so thoroughly/diligently/ thoughtfully”*

* Please keep in mind that the more SPECIFIC you are in pointing out what the person has accomplished, the more the person would be able to “take in” your affirmation, which helps to build their self-esteem.

 

Checking in = Asking the person how they are doing at the moment. It helps the person to “stay in the moment” or become more aware of how s/he is coming across to you/others.

Examples:    “How are you doing right now?”

                     “Where are you (as in, emotionally or mentally) right now?”

                             “How are you feeling?”

 

Clarification = Checking one’s perception of what was said to better understand the speaker.

Examples: “Am I hearing you correctly, that you’re saying you’ve decided to go ahead with this?”

              “Are you saying that life sucks?”

                   “Are you saying that there’s no hope?”

          “Are you saying that you should not bother with it?
”Are you saying that it is not fair?”

 

Confrontation = Bringing the cognitive dissonance to the foreground with the speaker.

Examples:“ You’re saying that God is in charge of your life, but you would still like to take control of the situation at all cost?”

    “Is God really in charge or is He not? You’re saying both things right now…”

 

Deflection = “Redirecting” the focus back to the person so s/he can talk more about him/herself instead of focusing on your opinion.

 This is used when the speaker asks what do you think about what s/he is saying, you respond by saying:

“What do YOU think about that?”

              “How should I respond?”

                   “What response would be helpful to you right now?”

                   “How should I think?”

 
Encouragement = Giving of positive reinforcement for the person to keep up their good work; Cheering the person on. It’s similar to “Affirmation.”

Examples:    “That was a good job! It sure wasn’t easy, but you did it anyway!”

                   “You did that so well!”

         

Exploration/Probing = Asking of open-ended questions to get the person to speak more (they would further elaborate on what they mean).

Examples:    “Tell me more about it.”

                     “What do you think about that?”

                             “Could you elaborate more on it for me?”

                             “So, how do you feel about what’s happening to your life?”

 

*Joining = “Emotional” agreement of what is being said in the moment. It is done with matching emotion/affect, as if you were one with the speaker and you are feeling how the person is feeling. It’s like you’re finishing your close friend’s sentence.  You’re cheering the person on. You’re sharing the person’s “emotional space.”

 

* This is the most effective way of conveying that you are “with” the person emotionally and that you are totally on their side. Usually, this would enable the Speaker to sense your care the most. At the same time though, it is NOT to be used as a “technique,” thus it should NEVER be used UNLESS you REALLY FEEL how the Speaker is feeling. Otherwise, this will backfire on you, as it would come across to the Speaker as patronizing or condescending…

Examples:    “You’ve got your mind set!”

                   “You go!”

                   “I’m being such a mean parent right now!”

                   “There’s no hope.”

                   “Why bother?!”

                   “It’s not fair!”

                   Etc…

 

Listening Check = Saying back to the person what s/he has just said, using her/his words, without interpreting or reacting to the content. This is used to help the person feel heard, while you might not agree with their shared content.

Examples: “You’re saying that you have no friends because we, as your parents, won’t let you go and hang out with your friends at the mall.”

               “You’re saying that if we really understood you, we’d let you stop the piano lessons.”

Reflection = You say back to the person what you heard them saying, in your own words.

Examples:    “What I’m hearing you saying is that you resent having such strict parents”

                   “What I’m hearing you saying is that you feel controlled by us…”

 

Open-ended Questions/Exploration = Questions that cannot be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No” ~ The speaker has the free reign to say anything on his/ her mind. You’ll never know how the person will respond.

 

The questions in the “Exploration” examples are all open-ended.

 

Reframing = Rephrasing what the person has said with a new “spin.” Helping the person to look at it from a different perspective/angle.

Examples:

The child says: “I don’t think there is any use. Why do my best when no one will ever acknowledge it? You only see what I have not done, versus what I have accomplished…”

The parent says: “As your parent, we want you to do the very best. We are rooting for you to accomplish all of your goals, sometimes at the cost of not acknowledging your accomplishments.”

(Post 2)


Parenting Tips

Set Specific Standards/Expectations: It is usually not helpful to give general affirmation (Eg: “Just do your best,” or, “You are great!”), as the child doesn’t know how high s/he should aim that would actually be their “best.” Rather, it’s more prudent to tell your child Specific (measurable) goals you expect them to achieve. For example, the parent says to his daughter: “I know that you are really good in science and not so good in social studies. I expect you to work hard at both and get an ‘A’ in science, and at least a ‘B’ or ‘B+’ in social studies.”

“Being on the Same Side (vs Acting as Opponents): It behooves us as parents, to maintain a close relationship with our children, especially as they grow and become adults. With that in mind, it’d be good to Set Clear Expectations, Enforce the Expectations, while Build Self-Esteem of our children. It is therefore wise not to humiliate our children or condemn them.

“For Godly sorrow brings repentance, which leads to salvation and leaves no regret. But worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10).  “Godly sorrow” is conviction from the Holy Spirit, which is gentle and not condemning (“Now there is therefore, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” - Romans 8:1). Conviction causes us to stop our unhealthy/wrongful behavior and make a 180 degree change (“Brings repentance”), restore relationship with God (aka, parents, in this situation), “leading to salvation and leaves no regret”: not having to grapple with condemnation. But Satan is the father of lies and wants us to wallow in our guilt, which cause us to feel shame. The result of shame is a “pulling away” in the relationship.

It behooves us to do away with shame, and show grace instead. This would enable us to keep an affectionate relationship with our children. When a person feels totally accepted, the person then has the courage to examine him/herself and to change.

As parents, we can be gracious, merciful, loving while also holding on to righteousness and godliness to our children. This is especially important, as children grow up to experience/view God according to the type of parents they grew up under.

It is important that we “teach and train” our child up in the Lord, so they will not walk far away from God. We need to be clear with expectations, while balancing them with grace and mercy. So, let’s lay down the law (aka, giving clear expectations toward our children), while being on our children’s team, emotionally.

We need to be “on our children’s side,” versus being on the “opposing team” against them. Come alongside our children and they will aspire to do right in order to please us…

Lose the Battle to Win the War/Choose Your Battles: It is prudent to let go of things that bother you, especially when it is your preference, taste or style. Step back and look at the big picture: Will your child really go down a path of self-destruction if s/he doesn’t do exactly what you are telling him/her right now? If the answer is a “Most likely, no,” then let it go…remember to preserve the emotional relationship is more important to make your child into a clone of you or to “undo” the damage done to you by your parents.

For example: If your child is messy, have him/her contain her/his mess in their own room. Whatever is left in the “common/public area” can either be confiscated for a period of time or be picked up by you and piled in your child’s room…

Both the parents and children resent having to nag, or be nagged at. Set up clear consequences for when your child “chooses” to incur a natural consequence of his/her behavior.

Let Your Child Know that S/He Has Choices: It’d be good to instill in your child that s/he always has choices. Let your child know that he/she is always making choices, and s/he can “choose” what will happen next, by choosing which action s/he is taking in this moment.

Even when we “Don’t decide,” we are actually “deciding” on staying in the same course. When we say, “Later…” we are actually saying: “I’m going to keep on doing what I’m doing a little longer…”

Since we usually don’t want to do what we are told to do, and want to do what we are told not to do (Romans 7: 19), it’d be good to let your child know that whatever s/he is choosing to do has its natural consequences, vs getting locked in a power struggle with him/her.

Natural Consequence is the Best “Disciplinary Tool”: The Bible states: “Spare the rod and spoil the child” (Proverbs   ). Since actual physical punishment is not allowed by law in United States, giving Natural Consequence as discipline is usually very effective.

For example, your child is allowed to play a computer/video game AFTER s/he finishes home work (thoroughly) for the day. When your child wastes a lot of time and doesn’t finish her/his home work until late, say to your child: “I guess you’re choosing not to have any play time today. You can play after you finish your work. So it’s up to you as to when you can play…”*

*Parents (and their children?) would have decided ahead of time, up to how long of computer/video game playing is allowed on a weeknight vs a weekend day…

Let Your Child “Win”: Healthy children need to rebel in order to separate him/herself from you. So, let your child “win” at something that really bothers you (but will not harm the child when s/he wins). For example: A teenager paints her nails black and wears black make-up. The parent says, “I really don’t like you wearing black make-up. It gives off a message of intimidation to others and you can lose some friends this way.” However, the parent doesn’t force the child to take off the ugly make-up, and invites the child to do some sort of activity that both the parent and the child enjoy, in order to convey unconditional acceptance.

Kids have to rebel and win at something, so give them something to win at! I’ve worked with parents who forbade their child from dating while s/he is young, and the child shares that s/he is attracted to people of the same gender - the very thing s/he knows her/his parents are deadly against…

Avoid/Prevent Power Struggles by setting clear expectations and their natural consequences, so it isn’t a struggle between the parents and their children. Rather, it’s a choice the child is choosing, with its consequences…

Whenever you can, use “Joining” to convey you being on your child’s side, emotionally, while Continue to hold your child accountable: Acknowledge your child’s feelings as you continue to lay down the law and hold him/her to your expectations.

For example: “I am being such a kill-joy and a mean parent in not allowing you to go out and play until after you’ve finished your chores!...Go finish your chores…the sooner you finish them, the sooner you’ll be able to go out and play.” DO NOT EXPLAIN why you are going your child accountable right there and then. Join their feelings and hold them accountable, and wait for ANOTHER time to explain why you hold him/her accountable.

If you cannot empathize with your child’s feelings at the moment. DO NOT try Joining. Do Active Listening or Reflective Listening instead, so as not to come across as condescending or humiliating your child…

 

Resources:

1. Focus on the Family has a lot of resources for families: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting.aspx
2. Touch Life Mission has possible resources in Chinese to help with raising American Born Chinese children (this was recommended to me, I don’t personally know this resource): http://touchlifemission.com/
3. Boundaries with Teens: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/boundaries-with-teens-john-townsend/1102902623?ean=9780310270454
4. Chat Pack: A fun deck of cards you can use to spark conversations with your children: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/chat-pack-bret-nicholaus/1019635255?ean=9780975580165

Marriage and Family Resources

This Blog contains resources on topics of Dating, Marriage and Parenting from workshops I gave in conferences/churches. Please feel free to share them with whomever might benefit...

(Post 1)

Managing Expectations for Marriage (For Singles…and a refresher for the Married)

 Hoping to get married one day?  It’s easy to view marriage as a romantic fairytale, but we really need to know the truth and go into this union with realistic expectations.  This article shares common faulty expectations in marriage, which can lead to disappointment, frustration and even disillusionment.  At the same time, there are basic expectations that spouses need to agree on in order to protect the union.  This article provides wisdom along the way as you date and eventually pursue a fulfilling, grace-filled marriage! 

1. It takes grace to be single, and it takes a lot more grace to be married: Your spouse is a separate person with his/her own temperament, upbringing-influenced expectations, values and way of dealing with life.
2. Common Faulty Expectations: Your spouse will complete you; you are two halves becoming one whole; your spouse can read your mind; your spouse will attend to all of your needs, wants and desires; your spouse will naturally speak your love language; your spouse will naturally be your soul mate and best friend; you are supposed to share everything with your spouse; your spouse will put your first all the time; unconsciously you wish/expect your spouse will be to you what you wished your parent should have been toward you; when you marry your spouse, you are only marrying him/her, not his or her family.
3. Marriage is inter-dependence of two whole people.
4. Healthy/General expectations of being married:
   1. Swimming upstream.
   2. It will bring out the worst in you, as well as the best in you.
   3. Hard work will reap ripe fruit: we reap what we sow, however, your spouse is not to be your project (Don’t marry someone in order to “save” or change them).
   4. Your spouse will have the most influence in molding and shaping your life going forward, so choose wisely.
5. Be on the lookout for Repetition Compulsion (See “Modern Psychoanalytic Nibbles” Blog Post # 2:Modern Psychoanalytic Nibbles ).
6. Five Benchmarks of a Good Relationship:
   1. Ability to be vulnerable with one another.
   2. Ability to empathize with each other.
   3. Ability to resolve conflict.
   4. Love when it’s inconvenient.
   5. Commitment to the relationship.
7. Basic expectations to live by: Be faithful to your marital vow; Be accountable to one another (with where about, time, finances); Be committed to work on the marriage.
8. Set healthy boundaries to protect the marriage: No cross-gender one on one relationships; Don’t be a messenger of bad message between your spouse and your family of origin; Have together time as well as separate down time.
9. Keys to successful marriage ~ Everyone wants to be seen, heard, understood, accepted and loved:
   1. Have similar/close enough calling in life (i.e., life in urban setting vs in rural area).
   2. Let go of expectations.
   3. Work toward full acceptance: You married a pear instead of an orange!
   4. Give each other the room to grow and develop so you don’t stagnant one another, while not developing totally parallel/separate lives.
   5. Learn to love yourself so you can better love your spouse.
   6. The family/marital unit is more important than your personal “needs.”
   7. Extension of grace.
   8. Balance between expecting full acceptance and willingness to change for the better.
   9. Four tiers of priorities: God first, then your spouse, third priority is your children, and the last priority is your job/ministry and extended family and friends.
   10. Choose to be on the same team with your spouse.
   11. Willing to “lose the battle in order to win the war.”
   12. Apply lots of humor.

Applications:

1. Prayerfully make a list of what attributes you’d like in your future mate (i.e.: being godly, patient, having determination, being driven, etc…) and work on realizing the list yourself.
2. Identify your deal-breakers.
3. Keep your eyes open, one eye closed and both eyes closed: whatever is bothering you about your significant other will only become more glaringly bothersome as you get married.

Challenge:

Set Mission Statement/Core Values for your marriage: one that will bring God’s glory, edify the Body of Christ and be a blessing to others.